Cultural understanding

We as a people have to live by a certain code, it doesn’t matter what code, but we do have to follow rules of our own mind. If we follow any rules it seems as if we’re not open minded but if we follow none we seize to exist. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though we have to live one way that doesn’t mean there is a better way, and that doesn’t mean we should discourage others from living their way.

An evolved way of living, exceeding that of any other doesn’t exist because anything can be criticized. judgement offers no peace. 

Do not judge

Do not compare

Do not worry

Do not dwell

Do not be sad

See the beauty in life

Live every day for the day

Be you’re own person

You know yourself better than anyone can 

You are beautiful 

You mean well

Do not regret

Do not fear tomorrow

Do not hide

Do not be sad

You are beautiful

You are you

Before I see my story I told, I’m afraid of not liking what I see. Do I copy someone else’s to be safe? That won’t work, I cannot replicate their story exactly. I need to make my own. I hope I like it.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. 

This will not be reviewed, this will not be thought out, it is simply a stream of consciousness. 

I make many mistakes. Every moment I continue I find myself regretting immediately what I just did, said, or thought. I have spent so much time thinking of the ramifications of my actions that I have not been able to enjoy them. I fear for my future, am oblivious to my present, and shameful of my past. I don’t think I should regret anymore. We are all leaving. My friends will just be a memory within a year. Does this mean they no longer matter? Riverside’s been my sandbox for life, I have experimented with all of my theories on life here. In a year I will be able to start fresh, no one will know me and I will be on my own. Until the same thing happens. Do people as a species live for the temporary? We all wish to have a constant in our life, but as soon as we do we become bored. Does this mean I picked the wrong constant? 

Upon posting this I will immediately regret it. I will feel ashamed at how arbitrary it is. When I consider why I will feel that, the root cause comes down to the perception I feel my friends will have of it. This is because they have become constants. I am unaware of their internal feelings and they are unaware of mine, yet my mind deems them constants? 

What is true friendship, is it blind? When someone gets familiar with my true self they tend to push away. Why tell people about yourself? 

Do my friends have a control over my experience of life? The simple answer would be yes if proposed to you, but it is not something I wish to think about. By myself answering yes to that question, it means that so many of the friends that I deem constants should be cast away because I feel poorly now. I feel poorly because of the constants around me. The answer to the equation would be to start fresh and develop new constants, but when developing those constants I would only feel brief temporary happiness at what I think the constants would become, which would be what they are now. Which I do not like. Which means that every time I meet new people I hope for the rare chance that they might be different. Are people really different? If all of my interactions in the realm of temporary happiness are in an attempt to have a bettered future that is in it’s very nature not better, why do I continue to do it? 

Are we all impressionable? Is this the root of my behaviour? I indulge myself in too many flavors of friends and I will find what you find when you blend to many different colors. You will become black, not in the sense of the race, but in the sense that you will be dark. Which is to be perceived as bad. You will not know who you are, because you have to many influences. It is physically and mentally impossible to play too many roles at once. You need to choose so that life fits into your equation simpler. If you are to have multiple, separate equations for the different parts of you, you’ll find that some problems are solvable in certain formulas while they are not in others. Do i pick the personality that lets me solve the most problems? I’m not sure because that means I might alienate the constants. But in my other self, those constants feel fake. But then I am simply leading myself into a desolate place of solitude. Is that what I want? Do I want to be alone? My actions would warrant it? I’m an unintentional dick because I am trying to play the social game. The game that is only one problem that is solved in multiple ways by myself. I need to just pick one. I can no longer regret the past. 

If things do not work out I must accept it. After all this is only my sandbox. For the time being, I refuse to feel apologetic for my actions and grasp whatever wisdom may be possible from them. I must be more considerate of others feelings but I cannot let it consume me and compromise myself causing more discomfort that could have been avoided.

I am at the end of this chapter of my life. Is this why it all seems so trivial? 

Those who expunge the word love. Are they trustworthy? They tell everyone they love them. They tell you they love you. This means you are everyone. Is it bad to be everyone? I think yes, yet I am accepting my role as everyone right now. Is it because this is just a sandbox? Or will I just be everyone for the rest of my life? 

Sorry Tumblr, please don’t tell me to stop. I would tell you I can accept your criticism but that would only be a lie, my mind cannot handle your criticism. 

Time passes by unused

When we meet someone

Or find something

We regret the time

We let slip away

Time seemingly limitless yesterday

Is on a countdown today

Earliest conception, eradicates expectations

Pondering perfection is void

No one can complete such a task

It is established from a precedent

You are not my precedent

You are my perfect

The retrograde of those dear to me gives me the bittersweet melancholy taste in my mouth

What wills them to depart

Many verbalize they are not deserving

Yet one will find themselves willing ignorant of the scantily dressed truce

I have arrived here. 

Do I feign

Do I remain in solitude

Those closest have concerted a pattern

A pattern implying destiny

A destiny

That I will change

Words will forever be spoken

yet actions will never follow suit

Does one take comfort in the words, knowingly idle

or abide to the warnings predicated on vacant behavior?

The longing for your acceptance has forsaken me

I passively searched for your praise 

only to assert myself

that those words were not artificial

but bona fide in truest mold

I have been decieved by the enemy that is myself

Granting unearned credit to you

prolongating my lie

Your greatest attributes were never yours to begin with

they were added to the filter of my lenses

I thought myself blind

only now do I realize that the remedy was not the addition of glasses

but the acceptance of truth.

Everyone’s the hero of their story, some don’t even realize that the story of their life is always going to be about them. Why is it that people desire the acceptance of all the other heroes in the world? Most just want to be seen how they see themselves, but if everyone around them is the hero of their story, then why would they treat someone else as the hero? You are a hero, a few in life may see that but not all. True heroes don’t care what any other hero thinks of them. 

Acceptance is such a paradox society has offered us. It dictates that we need to be normal so we can fit in, but it politely goes over the fact that none of us are the same. The “normal” mold they want us to be doesn’t even exist, so why the fuck would we pretend it does. The constant hurdles everyone goes through, just to feel uncomfortable in a mold that is not their own is fucking ridiculous. 

The crazy thing, is no one can change it. The normal mold is so integral to every human, the majority rules. This mold is hideous, it is the mold that produces today’s pop culture; explosions and sex. These are the two things that run today’s world, when things go boom, people go ahh. Everyone wants to have the ideal body, because society dictates it.

Well I’ve finally accepted my role in my story. I am not the side kick, I am not the villain, I am the hero. I will succeed in anything I want to do, because heroes never lose. The only thing that can take them down is themselves.